Surrendered heart. Expectant life.

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people..."{Ephesians 1:18 NIV}

Whenever the topic of marriage and motherhood comes up my heart grows heavy. It's not heavy because I stole sips from a vodka bottle while my babes slept or played. It's

not because I've lost a child or that my marriage ended. It's because while my perception is often wrong, it seems as if everyone else has the two things I long for: marriage and motherhood.

As I write this, Sarah Brightman's "Deliver Me" is playing. The tears drop because of the pain and shame that I feel oftentimes about my single status. These feelings are compounded by the fact that Jesus "should" be enough.

Paul writes in Ephesians that he prays that the church in Ephesus and other Christians, myself included, should know hope, not just feel it, but know hope to which The Lord has called us. My family - some natural, others picked up along life - all have this hope for me. While I'm away, I pray for my own hope. I pray not only for my husband in his singleness, but for him to have hope as well. My heart is open to this hope despite the brokenness and sometimes hopelessness I often feel in this respect.

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."{Proverbs 19:21 NIV}

My life and the plans I had for it are far different than what God desires for me right <em>now</em>.

His purpose has truly prevailed. I always believed that I would be a young bride. Wearing the dress and dancing with my groom having recently earned the right to order a legal alcoholic beverage. I am far past my 21st birthday and today, friends, there is no potential love interest (that I know of) in sight. Is this fact discouraging?

Yes, at times, it is, however, the joy comes in the morning and the truth is that His purpose is prevailing.

My heart has been softened in my role as a clinical health coach at a primary clinic in Las Vegas. My patients are oftentimes my "kids". I am humbled by them. Their life stories are so meaningful to me especially when they share how their lives have changed as a result of our relationship. I know that the purpose of the Lord is prevailing in my life. He is winning, my self will and pity are the losers. I remember wheeling a patient, who was in pain, in a wheelchair. Tears sprung to my eyes as I marveled that God had done something in me. I wasn't ever that sensitive, kind, open, loving. I am a new creation. <em>With a new heart.</em>

This surgery wasn't a quick, overnight one. It happened over time. I'm glad that while my heart's desire is still marriage and motherhood, I am OK right now. His purpose is known only by Him. I remain expectant.